Dig, Dig, Dig

Moon in Pisces

Yvaine from the film Stardust

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. Dale Carnegie

There is nothing much wrong with my life, I’m happy enough, got food on the table, roof over my head, a steady job and I have exciting projects on the go with my website, this blog, I get on great with my kids, family and overall nothing is really stressing me out… then I slammed my foot into a door and broke my little toe – clumsy girly (I don’t have any gory pics)

But there’s a restlessness, a sadness and a deep loss of connection, to whom/what or how I don’t really know; so I’m going to have to dig a bit deeper, to find out what the hell is going on

I  just don’t feel right…inside, lots of things are fine but I know I’m not yet. So a friend of mine is helping me dig… I need a good shovel as I know I’m not as happy as I could be – we all struggle with uncertainty, depression, lack of self-worth, low self-esteem and general miserableness; even though I feel stuck right now and the sadness is engulfing me especially when I can’t sleep. I’ve never suffered from insomnia in my life but at the moment I’m awake a lot more in the wee small hours of the morning than I care to mention, so I’m just going with it as there is no point stressing as it means I won’t sleep at all (which makes things worse)

I can usually shift my mood/my negative thinking/my energy easily as we are made of the stuff and it permeates everything so it’s actually quite easy to move but sometimes I need to let go of my pride and actually ask for help from friends/people who know

I’ve been taking some Bush Flower Essences and had a little Matrix Energetics and some Reiki and some lovely Rose essential oil it all seems to be unravelling my emotions, now at this point to be honest I feel a little scared even frightened as these are strong emotions and they aren’t going to go away.

I need to acknowledge them not hide from them or suppress them as that doesn’t make me feel better. I know as I work through this not being busy busy as I can do that and shove all these feelings to one side, so the fact I’ve not injured myself so that I’m unconscious or ill so I can’t function properly. I’ve just broken my little toe, silly little injury but so painful. It’s making me deal with this as walking, cycling (that I love) and generally being active is hard work right now, I’m not meant to be “out there” I’m meant to be “in here”

It’s funny as I’m so bloody independent I didn’t get it checked so I’ve been hurting unnecessarily because I didn’t know/think it was worth bothering about. I know different now – I’m so used to having to deal with everything myself and I’m good at being there for others – I like being a good friend and I hate suffering of any kind, it kills me to know that I can’t help.

I do the best I can; I’ve been doing that and I know I’m good enough but sometimes you can’t help people they have to figure it out themselves and you need to let them. I never want to be seen as a stress factor in anyone’s life. All I want to do is love and support – the best I can, it keeps coming back to this. I’ve felt a failure as some things in my life haven’t (so far) been working out the way I’d hoped or wished for, but nothing is a failure it’s just a learning curve, so you know what not to do next time, it helps you grow as a person and ultimately comes the understanding and wisdom.

You can’t rush wisdom, growth or awareness it comes in its own good time, sometimes that can be minutes or years.  Everyone is unique in that respect, just because it is glaringly obvious to you what another person should do, the other person, may have a totally different perspective and not be able to see/comprehend/understand or even agree with what you are suggesting and it’s their absolute right as they may not ready or even want to acknowledge what is going on inside them; yes it’s a form of resistance, it’s like having blinkers on, only choosing to see a certain reality at that given time.

That’s ok, as they are exactly where they are meant to be. Though you might think that what you may want to impart is a lost cause, it’s NOT! It’s never a lost cause EVER!  Sending love, encouragement, listening, supporting them and actively living life the best you can is the best way forward, if your help is needed, there will come a time when the opportunity is there in front of you to help in a more practical way.

Letting people fuck up, make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons is vitally important as their soul is here to experience as much diversity as possible and by acting as a crutch it’s not actually helping them in the long run. Being an activator is much more positive, gently empowering the person in a good way.

Yes help, love and support though try it from a detached point of view as it’s so easy to get involved in all the drama of the situation which all you end up doing is making things harder for them and yourself.

To love and support and always encourage and foster TLC is much better as you are helping to encourage good self-esteem practices within that person and when they feel better about themselves (not through others in relationships) but can truly feel good inside about themselves then they are on the way to truly being happy inside.

Which brings things back to me… it’s so easy to get distracted by relationships, work and family and forget that you need to deal and look after your own needs too.

I’ve not been deeply depressed for a very long time but I remember it vividly and likened it to a pit that I just couldn’t get out of, that had muddy walls that I just slid back into again as I was scrambling to get out of, so I after a while realising that this approach I had wasn’t really working and I felt as stuck as ever. Instead I just sat with it in my muddy pit and just accepted my mess of a life and my feelings. It had an interesting effect as I started to feel better and actually felt like doing things; before this I’d felt an utter idiot and not done much at all as I was so stuck in apathy literally stuck in the mud of my own head/emotions.

When I really acknowledged these difficult emotions they weren’t half as frightening as I thought they were going to be and because I wasn’t hiding behind the mask of ( I’m fine to everyone else, or kidding myself I was in a good place mentally and emotionally) Being REALLY HONEST with myself,  it really helped me take tentative steps to recover my shining self.

I call it that as when I’m in a good place and deeply connect and feel love all around and within me, I literally shine like Yvaine from the film Stardust and my energy goes absolutely mental; I literally glow on the inside and outside, you can see it easily as I look so calm, relaxed and younger.

Focus on little improvements, get the shovel or trowel if the shovel feels too much effort right now and do a little letting go; good books to read are Ask and it is given,  by Abraham – Hicks and the Sedona Method, Hale Dwoskin as once your energy shifts into a better place you begin to feel better in yourself.

I’ve not seen it work by doing stuff and ignoring your energy and emotions as it just perpetuates failures as you feel even worse because all the energy you are sending out isn’t positive so you get back more desperation, unhappiness and misery as you are constantly in that frame of mind (it acts like a loop forever going round and round) as you haven’t got to the core of what is making you feel miserable and it’s not usually what you think.

A lot of people feel bad about feeling bad/having strong emotions they’ve learnt that it’s weak, wrong and that they have to suffer. Bullshit!… It’s ok there is nothing wrong with you. You are just learning and it’s fine where you are right now. We all have to start somewhere, trust your intuition, hunches, ideas that make you feel better, these are all road signs to help you. Life is a journey and we all go through this, you are never ever alone , the more you acknowledge you feelings and be honest with yourself the easier and more content you will be.

Baby steps, little victories, acknowledge them and yourself, we always put ourselves down, I used to imagine that when we give ourselves a hard time it’s like being beaten with a stick (with spikes on) Ouch!

I tried the giving myself a hard time for 20 years…. trust me it doesn’t work.

So here we are, I feel better as I am acknowledging my emotions and I feel clearer in how I need to move forward, the point of this post is we all go through the dark night of the soul in various degrees all through our lives. I’m just saying you don’t have to do it all by yourself, not even me.

Focus on love, acceptance, happiness and fun and you will experience more of it. The key for me and all this is just my experience and intuition on life.

It is all about love, trust and what we have to give. True love doesn’t come around very often and be utterly grateful when it does as it is truly a blessing, be aware and thankful

Trust everything is going to work out for the best, that trust needs to be nurtured and cared for, just like a special person in your life.

We’re all here to experience new things and feelings and that’s the point, it’s meant to be an adventure of the soul, a change of perspective and perception is sometimes all that is needed to make the shift to a better place within.